Have you ever had the painful realization that you have once again been hiding? Not that someone has broken into your house and might harm you type of hiding. I mean the unconscious decision to once again live small type of hiding. Something I do so well because I have been doing it most of my life. Living behind bravado, my loud voice, intellect, humor and so on and so on.
Hiding because of fear of being hurt, being found out, falling short, not being loved or being good enough. Hiding in my house with my dogs, depressed and unhappy finding reasons to stay put. Afraid of what will happen if I stay here and if I leave the house.
Suffering through not having what I need, being empty and confused. Sick of putting up a false front and looking for relief from food or tv Feeling my psyche beginning to crumble and my spirit dampen.
What am I hiding from ? Myself is the easy answer. My power, gifts, talents and what I have to bring to the table and give to the world. Once again choosing to live small.
In 2009 I was down sized on a very good job as a Grounds Superintendent for a resort and casino. Taking the job was a big risk for me, something I wouldn’t normally do. I was leaving a steady job in NC to move back to NY. My life was good and safe, just how I liked it. I has spent many years recovering, healing, growing, becoming empowered and felt ready for a challenge.
So on faith I applied for and was hired in this new position. Not that I felt as though I had arrived but getting this job was the culmination of a great deal of hard work. I was very proud of myself and felt this was a great achievement.
So I took the downsizing very hard even though I was told it had nothing to do with my performance. That it was a numbers game and I was one of 5 middle managers being let go. But I didn’t look at it that way. I saw it as a failure and a risk I should not of taken. What was I thinking ? Why did I stick my neck out of the safety of my turtle shell ?
I was unemployed for 18 months and suffered from depression to the point I signed myself into the psyche ward twice in one month. The first time after not sleeping for 6 days. Also during this time my female Doberman was diagnosed with bone cancer in her shoulder and eventually had to be put down.
I really believed that this was one of the lowest points in my life. Today I know that it was partially life being life but most importantly it was about me not listening. What do I mean by that ?
On some levels I knew that I didn’t want to continue working in the landscape and grounds maintenance field. That my soul and spirit were aching to be the healer and teacher that I knew myself to be. But I chose to once again find a grounds maintenance supervisors position because it was safe, I was good at it and it was a safe choice.
But the powers that work in my life were going to allow me to continue on the wrong path. I suffered a devastating knee injury and ended having surgery and a long recovery process. Two important things happened during my recovery. The first being that I didn’t lose my job with the company but could no longer perform the work needed to be the supervisor.
The second and more important thing that happened was I was immobile for a while and had time to think and be with myself. I realized that all the wonderful people from the 12 step fellowship that showed up to help and visit me ended up seeking my counsel on their lives and recovery. It open my eyes to what I ma really here to do.
Now I wish that this was the fairy tale ending to the story. Really it was just the beginning of another chapter. Knowing what I am here to do has brought its own set of challenge. The biggest challenge has been how to use my gifts as a healer and teacher to help others ?
I have taken the training and become a Certified Life Coach. Becoming certified was a great accomplishment, but it didn’t answer the question how to reach people that I could help. I have tried starting groups, having workshops and retreats but so far without success.
Today my struggle is to continue to hold on to my heart and souls desire to be that healer and teacher. To spend time everyday to write on the book I have started, posts for my own blog and submitting guest posts to bigger blogs. Plus not sliding back into hiding because I believe the message and teachings I have to bring to the world are too Important. Those of love, compassion, acceptance and unity.